Criticized For Being Childless

- - - - - childless rant

#1
GirlsDeadMonster

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I just need to say enough is enough. I didn't know how much hate I would get everytime I told someone I don't have children. I'm 32 years old and made the decision long ago not to have children of my own, this stemming from having to help raise my unruly sisters and brother. I've been in a relationship with my guy, who also doesn't want to have children, for 11 years. We're happy and content but we get a lot of grief from family members, friends, and even complete strangers about out decision. I've been told that I'll regret it, it's just a phase, I don't like children, or I'm selfish. Selfish? For not wanting children. Really? I don't think you should have a child just so you have someone to "take care" of you when you're older. I just never knew that it was my womanly duty to have children. I don't humans are in any danger of extinction currently. The selfish comment is what pushed me over the edge. It happened recently when I went shopping for boots. I was purchasing these great boots for $150, it was my splurge plus I'm a medical professional who can pay me rent, pay my car and bills, put money into savings and still have left over to buy my boots. The lady next to me, who's kid was running around the shop, asked if I had any. I told her no, I playfully said I'd rather indulge my shoe fetish. She said sorely, having children is better than shoes, that's just selfish. I said, lady it was a joke, I have 10 nieces and nephews, I work in pediatrics, I'm around children everyday. She just snorted and left. Way to judge much?
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#2
That Guy

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You do with your life what you want. I don't want kids either. Annoying brats.
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#3
Steph

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She's probably jealous of your freedom....lol



You do with your life what you want. I don't want kids either. Annoying brats.


And as some kids are annoying brats, most I know aren't. Let's not have this turn into a child bashing thread please. GDM obviously likes children, she just doesn't want any of her own. Big difference.
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#4
Valleyaggie

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Having children or not is your decision and no one has the right to judge you for it.

Children are a HUGE commitment and not just for 18 years, but for the rest of your life. I wish more people would really stop and think as to whether or not they really, truly want that responsibility. We have a lot of people having kids and not taking responsibility for them. I would much rather have people like GDM, who know they don't want to deal with it, than a self-righteous woman spitting out kids but refusing to take full responsibility for them.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting kids. it is a personal choice. IMO, the only people judging you are the ones who have no other accomplishments except their kids. If her kids are her only accomplishment, what else has she done with her life? Doesn't that just make her breeding stock? Aren't we more advanced than that?

And I'm not bashing women who are stay-at-home moms. I'm just saying that the stay-at-home moms I know that are happy and whole people also have other hobbies and interests that they draw satisfaction and self-esteem from doing. In my experience, the women who do nothing but focus on their kids are helicopter parents raising co-dependent kids. Again, just my opinion.
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#5
bossyboots

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I think some mothers become so overwhelmed and consumed with the love that they feel for their child, that they cant imagine anyone not wanting that feeling or they assume that your life cant be full without it. Sadly today, too many women think that it is their right, rather than an immense privilege to have a child and cannot cope with the HUGE responsibility that comes with becoming a parent so I applaud you for making a positive choice instead of selfishly bringing a child into this world who was not planned or desired.

I have one child & am often criticised for not giving my child a sibling to play with!!! So no matter what we decide, there will always be someone who will tell us we are doing the wrong thing!
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#6
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How you wanna live your life is your decision and yours alone. One thing that annoys me to no end is everybody else wanting to dictate how you should live; but sadly, such is life. GDM all the power to you and much respect for your decision.
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#7
TangoJ

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GDM, I feel your pain, SO MUCH. I am 46 and knew a long time ago that I didn't want kids. I've encountered a lot of hate about it, too, and a lot of pressure from family. My mom, luckily, is understanding and sees it as my choice, but my inlaws are awful about it. And Steph has a point about some of it possibly being jealousy of our freedom to do things that some people with kids can't. I had to block one old friend from school from my Facebook because she would constantly scold me about my attitude toward having children. Of course, this is a person whose every post was about some new catastrophe involving her three daughters and how miserable her life was. My friends who are truly happy with parenthood really don't give a crap whether or not I have kids. Like Valleyaggie said, it's better to know that you don't want kids and to not have them than to be unsure, have them, then not be a good parent. Yes, maybe I'll regret not having children when I'm old and alone in a nursing home, but there are a lot of lonely old folks in homes who HAVE kids that just abandon them, so it's no guarantee. The way I see it, it's better to regret NOT having kids than to regret HAVING them. No child deserves to be regretted and resented. Feel free to message me privately if you need to vent. I can also recommend some good childfree Facebook groups, etc. Hang in there! You don't owe anyone an explanation for your life choices that don't affect them at all.
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#8
theglassintheguvseye

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+1 to all of those who posted above. Fixin' to be 41 and childless. Parenting isn't for everyone. I've always known it's not for me. I had a brief 'ticking biological clock' period a few years ago and THOUGHT I wanted kids. Thank goodness it passed. Hubby would be 70 when they finished their HS education so it wouldn't be fair to him or any kids we would have had. I enjoy kids. I have nieces and nephews and pretty much consider all of my friends' kids my own and treat them as such. That woman was out of line and clearly jealous of your freedom. I, too get pressure from some parts of my family (mostly those concerned w/ white people becoming the minority. Yes, I have those kind of relatives. Most people do if they're caucasian and from the south.) So yeah, just hang in there and stick to your guns. People who don't want kids should not have them. Lots of people who think they want kids have them and then don't take care of them. I respect all of the people who have children and raise them up with love and selflessness. I'm simply not that selfless. I also respect those who choose not to have children. We're all awesome or we wouldn't be here on R&L, right? :)
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#9
backwoodsroamer

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I've never understood how people can presume to critic a woman's choice to have or not have children.. It's usually directed at women, Seems to be okay for men to have no children, but women are unfulfilled and lead a pointless existence without offspring. What a load of crap. The sheer stupidity and bad manners shown by these fools telling a woman what she should do with her body is so mind boggling to me. It's really none of their business.

I never really felt I was parental material. My wife was literally obsessed with having children even though she was no more suited to the task than me. We have three sons. I love them each dearly, and I eventually worked it out, but the learning curve was horrendous. My children were the ones who paid the price for my mistakes. Children are not just a few decades of commitment. They are a lifetime project.

I always remember what my mother said about us. She said "I wouldn't take a billion dollars for you kids, and I wouldn't give two cents for another batch just like you."

Perhaps the next time some busybody presumes to advise you on the subject you should just say "Excuse me. I know you mean well, but it's really none of your business, so perhaps you should run along and piss off." That's the beauty of freedom of speech. You can state your opinion, but the other party can tell you to stuff it. :lol:
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#10
GirlsDeadMonster

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I'm thankful for all your support. I do like children and have been told I've very good with them. My 13 year old niece hangs out at my house all the time, it still doesn't get her away from her homework. But it's not for me. At least with my nieces and nephews I can give them back. I'm also there if the parents ever needed a break. That's what we aunts and uncles do, I just don't like feeling that I'm being judged about it. It's gotten to the point where I don't bring it up at all. I just smile and nod when others talk about their kids but I don't offer anything to the convo. Not having children is a choice, just like having children. Both deserve intelligent thought and consideration and should be respected regardless of the outcome. Thanks again.
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#11
GirlsDeadMonster

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I've never understood how people can presume to critic a woman's choice to have or not have children.. It's usually directed at women, Seems to be okay for men to have no children, but women are unfulfilled and lead a pointless existence without offspring. What a load of crap. The sheer stupidity and bad manners shown by these fools telling a woman what she should do with her body is so mind boggling to me. It's really none of their business.

I never really felt I was parental material. My wife was literally obsessed with having children even though she was no more suited to the task than me. We have three sons. I love them each dearly, and I eventually worked it out, but the learning curve was horrendous. My children were the ones who paid the price for my mistakes. Children are not just a few decades of commitment. They are a lifetime project.

I always remember what my mother said about us. She said "I wouldn't take a billion dollars for you kids, and I wouldn't give two cents for another batch just like you."

Perhaps the next time some busybody presumes to advise you on the subject you should just say "Excuse me. I know you mean well, but it's really none of your business, so perhaps you should run along and piss off." That's the beauty of freedom of speech. You can state your opinion, but the other party can tell you to stuff it. :lol:

BWR, you are completely correct. My guy doesn't get any grief about our decision. If anything he gets claps on the back and high fives from his friends for "dodging that bullet". But me, oh I get the poop end of the stick, as if I'm not a real woman if I don't have children. So unfair. I will def take your advice into consideration, perhaps it will work. Thanks.
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#12
Steph

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I never understood why people think that a woman HAS to have children either. Or that when you do start a family, one isn't enough (or two, but over three and you're crazy.)

After I had Ayla, for years all I heard was "Oh you have to have more! Why don't you have more?" it was very annoying as first, who says you need more than one kid? Secondly, we had been trying but I kept on losing the pregnancies and that's not something you go around broadcasting when it happens and hearing that we should have more all the time got very old, when we were trying for one more. People need to learn to shut their mouths, I mean, what if you were a woman who is desperately trying to have children but can't, so used a comment like that to deflect the conversation?
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#13
Jon W

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What BWR said.... look at the person that gives you grief, politely say "This is none of your business". The first time...

After that, get steadily more forceful. If that forceful involves a baseball bat, let me know so I can alibi you out....

This is nobody's business but that of you and your signifigant other.

(for sake of reference: I have no children of my body. My ex-wife would have been BEYOND a disaster of a mother, so I dodged that issue. I 'inherited' my son when he was 15 (and I married his mother) and went through that phase of parenting. My step-daughter was almost 30 when I married her mother, so we don't have the same relationship - but her daughter IS my Granddaughter, despite the fact that not a drop of my blood flows through her veins).
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#14
TangoJ

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Thanks for chiming in, everyone! Glass, we have a LOT in common! LOL GDM, the good news is that it finally lets up once you hit the end of your childbearing years. ;) You'll still get SOME grief, but you don't get the "you'll change your mind" stuff anymore.

The only thing I worry about is that since there is such a big age difference between me and my husband, that he will get to be my age and change HIS mind. He likes kids a lot more than I do and is really good with them, but he assures me he wants none of his own. I take him at his word because that's what I have to do, but I still worry in the back of my mind that he'll resent me someday. It's a complicated and highly PERSONAL issue that people should really stay the heck out of unless they are directly invited into conversation about it. Hang in there, GirlsDeadMonster. We're always here if you need to vent.
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#15
mADAM Scorpious

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Its your life and your decision. A woman doesn't have to be a mother to be a good woman, and it sucks that women are still measured by by their value to men and their reproductive capabilities. That being said, the woman at the store probably asked because either she didn't see how anyself respecting mom could spend so much on shoes for herself or because she was trying to make conversation due to her kid. I don't think it's selfish to choose not to have kids and you sound like a really giving and loving woman, but your response probably shocked her you were obviously trying to be funny but you made it sound like you value your things over people(obviously not the case but she didn't know that) which sounds selfish & materialistic. Obviously the woman was offended and couldn't find the humour in the joke. A simple no would've sufficed and saved you both the anger. The bigger issue is that the other major people in your life don't respect your decision. The only thing short of having a big convo with each of them asking them to respect your decision, is to tell people that you guys are infertile so they feel guilty for guilt tripping you...anyways keep on rocking in the free world.
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#16
Jenners

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Its totally your choice and you shouldn't listen to anyone tell you otherwise. Personally, I love children and I nanny for two families and I wanna be a pediatric nurse and later down the road I want a lot children (keep in kind I am 21! I have plenty of time) as for that lady well screw her! Not everyone needs to have children, its a personal choice and no one should be criticized for it.
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#17
DeadCave

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You're lucky you're not LDS/Mormon, as the pressure to have children is immense in that culture. My present significant other is incapable of carrying a child to full term due to health problems, so we've discussed either adoption or (provided we're going to stay together) a vasectomy for me. As far as everyone else... to hell with them. They're not paying the cost of raising a child that they want YOU to have, so tell 'em until they do they need to simply BUTT OUT and let you and your S/O have a life that suits the two of you. Even if they're family. They as adults should respect you as an adult to do what you feel is right for you... not for them.
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#18
At Risk

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You are not alone. I'm a year younger than you and get the same all the time. I really like kids, but I've never wanted any. I love horses, too. Don't want one of them either. Maybe that will change, maybe not. I think one of the worst things someone can do is have kids because they feel like it's expected of them, though.

If you ever need to vent, feel free to note me. :) I'll have to come back to read this thread when less tired. This is something that comes up constantly around me, so I'm curious as to what other people have to say on it.
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#19
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This is a subject I know about first hand too.

I'll be 61 soon and my husband 65 and we never wanted kids and didn't have any, at least now at our age nobody asks anymore.

but I've heard it all many times from nosy busy-body's.

"You are going to be old and lonely."
"You are selfish" which makes no sense what so ever!?! Really, it's better to pop kids out like toast, in this world. no thanks.

I've never regretted it for a second. I know quite a few other "childless by choice" people too, and we are all doing just fine and dandy.

When I was younger and people would ask if we had children...I'd do this.

Me:(sad look on my face) No, we were never able to have children.....(and I'd pause for a second so they could say)

The Buttinski: Oh I'm so sorry.

Me:...because I can't stand them.

Which isn't true, I don't mind the little nose pickers that much, but really never wanted any of them running around my house. I prefer dogs.
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#20
theblackboxlies

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When I was younger and people would ask if we had children...I'd do this.

Me:(sad look on my face) No, we were never able to have children.....(and I'd pause for a second so they could say)

The Buttinski: Oh I'm so sorry.

Me:...because I can't stand them.


LOLOLOL

I see nothing wrong with choosing not to have children. I've only been married for 7 months and surprisingly we haven't received much pressure. At least I haven't. I know my mother-in-law has been a bit nosy. I don't think my parents give a shit because they already have 9 grandkids and on my wifes side there are only 4 grandkids for her mother. We're... sort of planning on having kids eventually, but not for a few more years at least. But to be honest if I never had kids I'd be totally okay with that. My boss never had kids and she's about 60 and her husband is 64 or 65, though he had 2 kids from a previous marriage.

Something funny that my wife wants to say to people if they ever ask, "so are you having kids yet??" is: "Well we are... having lots of sex!, but it's not your business on whether or not we're having kids"

I thought it was funny anyway. Haha
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#21
theglassintheguvseye

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Hahaha @ BBL. We always say we keep on practicing but haven't perfected it yet, thus we have no children.
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#22
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I just need to say enough is enough. I didn't know how much hate I would get everytime I told someone I don't have children. I'm 32 years old and made the decision long ago not to have children of my own, this stemming from having to help raise my unruly sisters and brother. I've been in a relationship with my guy, who also doesn't want to have children, for 11 years. We're happy and content but we get a lot of grief from family members, friends, and even complete strangers about out decision. I've been told that I'll regret it, it's just a phase, I don't like children, or I'm selfish. Selfish? For not wanting children. Really? I don't think you should have a child just so you have someone to "take care" of you when you're older. I just never knew that it was my womanly duty to have children. I don't humans are in any danger of extinction currently. The selfish comment is what pushed me over the edge. It happened recently when I went shopping for boots. I was purchasing these great boots for $150, it was my splurge plus I'm a medical professional who can pay me rent, pay my car and bills, put money into savings and still have left over to buy my boots. The lady next to me, who's kid was running around the shop, asked if I had any. I told her no, I playfully said I'd rather indulge my shoe fetish. She said sorely, having children is better than shoes, that's just selfish. I said, lady it was a joke, I have 10 nieces and nephews, I work in pediatrics, I'm around children everyday. She just snorted and left. Way to judge much?


I find it to be selfish to keep bringing children into a world that is overly populated, ravaged with debt and destruction to the enviornment and is falling into complete shit. Not to mention many children are not wanted and do not have even close to decent parents. We have no children and never wanted any - although we DID think 'maybe we do' and did try at one point with no result and truthfully Im thankful it was not to be. Our lives revolve around US and we like it that way. It is not selfish - it is logical and practical and just the way we WANT our lives. We do what we want andf spend our time and money the way we want. We enjoy life. We cant miss kids we never had so the 'you dont know what you are missing' argument is totally moot.

She was probably jealous that you have the ability to splurge on shoes, can go to the movies any moment you want and are in control of your own life meanwhile shes stuck wiping up snotty noses and pee and dealing with temper tantrums as her own life is lost in the chaos. I love my nieces and nephews and I do spoil them to bits but thankfully I can return them after a weekend. So, people just need to shut the fuck up and realize not everyone finds children amazing. People who have kids always say they can not imagine their life without the kids, despite the craziness, and I respect that but some of us can not imagine our life WITH kids and that does not make us dellusional.

Anyways, it is your decision and thats between you and your spouce/other and it is no one elses buisness.
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#23
GirlsDeadMonster

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I'm so glad I have such support in this forum, I love coming to this site, the people are so understanding and funny. And the Admins are the best! It's just I had a lot of responsiblities growing up. By middle school I was buying groceries and cooking dinner, by high school I was holding my parent's paychecks so I could pay the mortgage and utilities. My dad was in the military and gone half the year while my mom worked 2 sometimes 3 jobs everyday. With 3 sisters and an annoying older brother, everything was left to me to do. I decided then and there I didn't want children and there is nothing wrong with that. Problem is that between my 4 siblings, I have 10 nieces and nephews and they still hound me to add my own to the bunch. I rarely go to their houses so I don't have to hear it.
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#24
Living Dead Grrrl

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I'm so glad I have such support in this forum, I love coming to this site, the people are so understanding and funny. And the Admins are the best! It's just I had a lot of responsiblities growing up. By middle school I was buying groceries and cooking dinner, by high school I was holding my parent's paychecks so I could pay the mortgage and utilities. My dad was in the military and gone half the year while my mom worked 2 sometimes 3 jobs everyday. With 3 sisters and an annoying older brother, everything was left to me to do. I decided then and there I didn't want children and there is nothing wrong with that. Problem is that between my 4 siblings, I have 10 nieces and nephews and they still hound me to add my own to the bunch. I rarely go to their houses so I don't have to hear it.


They hound you because they were not the ones acting like an adult/parent in high school. They did not have those pressures and responsibilities so they can not understand where you are coming from. They can try and empathize or relate now as parents with their own kids, but will never really be able to understand you. And they do not understand/comprehend that just because everyone is on auto-pilot with what was (and still is in a way) perceived as the 'norm' they do not understand how anyone can live 'outside the box' of - Finish school. Get married. Procreate. People just do what generations before us did without any real thought as to what is happening.

But statistically more and more couples are waiting longer and/or choosing not to have children and it is becoming much more common and I believe that will continue. Regardless, it is still not anyone else business what you do. You are in control, you live life the way you want to live. It is over to quickly to waste time worrying about what others think.
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#25
OMEN

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As a married man and father of Two i say fuck em if they dont like y'all's choices. it was never their choice to make but yours and you partners.

although i have two boys my mother was upset at me for neutering my self without giving "Her" a granddaughter. I basiclly said lifes tough plus ya got another son and daughter. Ms omen and i had our kids 3 yrs after we got hitched. we were still young, now we are in our 30s and our kids are older and we have alot of freedom that most of our friends that waited dont.

when we got married i told her ill get ya preggers as many times as ya want but after 33 the factory is shutting down.

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