Utopia

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#1
bluetommy2

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Hello all, I am BlueTommy2, aspiring writer and fiction...ist? And this is my first fan fiction, with school starting and all updates may be sporadic, but i will try my hardest to add updates regularly. With that said, let me introduce the characters of my story.

 

Jordan Wettin

 

The main character of the fanfic, co-owner of The Wettin Hot-Dog Vans in Chicago Illinois, was bought out by his partner and retired at the age of 34 with a few hundreds under his belt, moved to a small country town known as Sherton, Tennessee 

 

Gus Simmons

 

Jordan's illegitimate son, 12, is an idiot savant, with skills in engineering, also showing symptoms of autism. After his mother, Carlene Simmons died in a car crash he moved in with his father.

 

Laura Wettin

 

Jordan's current wife, their marriage is loveless and has been so for a year. She believes Gus is an unskilled moron while others call him a prodigy. Is an avid video gamer, a habit Jordan hates. She is distantly related to Rick Grimes

 

Bruce

 

A family friend of the Wettins, Bruce has taken on a role as an uncle to Gus, he is constantly on guard, everyone calls him paranoid, but he says he's just preparing for the worst. Lives in the outskirts of Sherton, closer to Memphis than the Wettin family home.

 

Those are the starting characters, let me know what you think! First update tomorrow. Do take care


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#2
bluetommy2

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Chapter 1- 9:00 pm, Wettin Family Home, Sherton Tennessee

 

Jordan Wettin sat in a pool of his own blood, there was no light to be seen. Jordan had cut off his own leg and now had been shot, his family leaving after he told them to, he would die here, Jordan sat there, bleeding painfully, and remembered how he got into this mess.

It was nine pm in the Wettin home, Gus had wet the bed again and was having a night terror on the couch as his father spoke to his step-mother. "Why is Gus on the couch Jordan?" Asked Laura, faking that she wasn't angry. "He's my son, I can't just let him sleep in his own piss." Stated Jordan. Laura stopped being nice. "He is a retard, and I will not see him on the fresh.." "Don't speak about my son like some animal!" Jordan was now standing, fuming mad. Laura stood up and screamed at the top of her lungs. "He can sleep in the doghouse for all i give a shit! Just get him the fuck off my couch!" Laura left to go outside. Jordan held his head in his hands and hit one of his hands hard off the table. Jordan heard Laura scream, and then another scream, not human. More like a dead body gargling on blood and teeth. Jordan immediately knew something was up, this wasn't just Laura being a bitch.

 

Jordan stood up and grabbed a two by four that was being used to build the basement, and ran towards the door. He threw it open, and saw it, a man dragging his intestines behind him with a look of constant horror on it's bloody face. Shambling after Laura was another, but this one had it's left arm femur sticking out of the skin, like something out of Gus' night terrors. Jordan yelled for Laura, who had been bitten on the hand. "Laura! Run this way!" she ran to him tripping multiple times along the way, and fell over on the patio. "Laura stop fucking around! Get inside!" Yelled Jordan. She instead took his pocket knife, and amputated her own hand. "Gaaaaaahh!" Screamed Laura in pain, Jordan, in shock, fell over as well, fainting.

 

Jordan woke up inside, with the doors and windows barricaded. Laura had a bandage over her hand, and judging by the burning smell, she had cauterized the wound as well. "Why did you do that?" whimpered Jordan, still half asleep. "I'm guessing you've never seen a zombie movie?" Now sat up, Jordan said "30 seconds of dawn of the dead, but wait, you're saying those guys are zombies? Are you completely insane?" Gus interrupted the two, "Daddy, bad people scare me." Jordan hugged Gus before he started to cry "It's okay G, we'll get through this." Laura had gone upstairs and beckoned for the two guys to do the same. "Jordan! We gotta get out through the window! Take what you can before we leave." Jordan did, and went to his bedroom, took his Glock, then he went to the living room, took the hatchet from above the couch that belonged to his grandfather. "Alright, I'm on my way Laura!" he stated, heading up the stairs. Gus followed his father, even following his footsteps to a tee, the kid had quirks Thought Jordan, he reached the top floor, it creaked as he stepped in, he then climbed out the window, previously opened by Laura.

 

Three days later they had run out of food, Jordan was looking thinner than ever, and Laura wasn't looking much better, her blonde hair turning white, Gus was the least hurt, managing to find food that his elders couldn't spot. They all had tattered clothes. They sat at a campfire, Jordan told Gus to send out the scouting camera, really a toy that Gus created out of scrap. They looked through the camera feed while Laura piloted. "See anything?" The camera picked up movement, Gus zoomed in, and saw a ragtag group, led by a Military man, in tattered uniform. "Laura! It's people! Actual people!" Jordan Exclaimed. Laura looked like she had won the lottery. "Which way are they going?" she questioned. "Towards Memphis, like us." Laura looked at him like he was mad. "Then why aren't we meeting up with them? We can take those fuckers better in a group" Jordan stood up, disdain on his face. "What if they don't want Gus? What if they think no retard is joining them? What do we do then?" Laura still stood in the same place. "We won't know until we try." Jordan gave in and decoded to go speak to them. "Well if they have supplies, people, weapons, and are willing to take us, we go." Laura turned to him "Well from the looks of it, they've got people in spades." Gus Didn't add to the conversation, he was busy building dirt castles. They packed up their things, Gus wasn't given a load to carry, Jordan knew he'd drop it. With their weapons, supplies, equipment for boiling water, and their fire starting kit, Jordan had the heaviest load in his backpack, the chafing is ridiculous thought Jordan, Laura was carrying their food cooking supplies, and Jordan's pistol. They started to walk towards the group, the grassy ground adding to the noise they made, hopefully attracting people, not walkers. Gus was playing 20 questions, except more like 100 questions with Jordan. "Dad, do trees pee?" "No Gus." "Do people live on the sun?" "No Gus, if they did they would burn to death." "Why is Laura getting fatter when the rest of us are getting thinner?" That was a good question, Laura ate as much if not less than the others, but she was gaining weight. Jordan would ask later, but for now he had to keep answering Gus' dumb questions. Eventually they found a small dirt road, and Jordan felt at least a bit better, ‚Äčfinally, civilization he thought happily, then he heard Gus "A.. ali.. aleive... in.... insieed?" Jordan could tell that Gus was reading something, Alive inside? The goup must be staying there! "Gus, where did you read that?" Gus stood like a soldier, moving only his arm to point to the farm with the words in white on the roof. Gus wasn't even wrong on the pronunciation of inside, for the man/woman who wrote it put "Inseed" Jordan walked towards the farmhouse to find a large guard, he had muscles larger than anyone Jordan ever met, and judging by the name-tag, his name was Larry. "Hey Larry!" The guard didn't move an inch. "So, uh, we'd like to.." Jordan was stammering, the man was frightening him, he didn't know why the man was so intimidating, but he had a few ideas. "We would like to join the group." butted in Laura. Larry finally moved, looking them over with cold indifference "Bites?" asked the man in a gravelly voice. "I had one, but i cut it off." said Laura, lifting up the stump that was her left hand. The man made a grunting noise, "Fine, go talk to Mr. Gordie. He's the leader, but if you cross us..." He pretended to cut his throat with a hammy finger. "Yes sir." Stammered Jordan. They entered the barn. People were sleeping on sacks of hay, and the dead bodies of the former owners crucified against the wall showed that this "Gordie" was not a nice guy, Jordan told his family "You two find us a spot. I'm gonna talk to Gordie." Jordan walked over, as he did, he heard a woman speaking to Larry, she said she had a bite but she just needed medical attention. Larry shot her and her scream shook Jordan to the bone. He saw other members of the encampment turning white, but others continued with their business. Jordan saw a man, bald and stubbled sitting on a "chair" made of hay, Jordan assumed this was Gordie. He swallowed, and approached. "Hello Mr Gordie. me and my..." Gordie interrupted "Larry let you in, you're a member of the family, welcome to the saints."                                                                                                                                                                                   

 

Notes: Sorry if it's short, this is my first fan-fiction, so let me know how it is


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#3
the Walkin Dude

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Good so far, lets see what happens next.


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Roll outta my coffin Drink poison in my chalice Pride begins to fade And y'all feel my malice

#4
bluetommy2

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Sorry for the wait, I was busy with schoolwork and shit like that, well here's chapter 2, hope you enjoy

 

Chapter 2- 12:00 PM, Saints stronghold

 

"Lunch, *grunt* is served." The large bag splatted against the table. "Let me guess, we're eating smashed fruit, again." "Ey! I don' see you goin' ou' to foind food now, do i?" Jordan was half asleep, he knew Mike wasn't pleased with Jeyms' choice of food (Jordan really didn't want to know what kind of parents would name their kids "Jeyms"), Jeyms seemed to love fruit, but at this point after the bombing most food that was left was smashed or rotten, maybe even radiated from the chemical plant. Jordan sat up, scratched his ass, and then walked dizzily over to the table. "*Yawn* could my applesauce come with a chocolate milk please?" Jeyms looked at him, his bald head glistening off of the sunlight. "No 'un aprecicates me! I get you're sorry arse fed ervrey day! I'm done bein' treated like a sack of pot-a-toes. You want bettar food? Get it yourselves ya lazy cityfolk!" Well lunch is going as usual, but it's better than staving Jordan thought, zipping open the bag and grabbing the least smashed fruits. "Hey Jordie boy! You got a match?" Damian asked. "Yeah I do, my ass your face." Damian burst out laughing. "You ain't no saint, you are a fucking comedian!" Jordan smiled and took his fruits to his tent. "Alright guys, we got bananas, an apple, and some Sunny D. Eat up." Gus looked disappointed "Aww, no Macdonald's." Gus moped and began taking apart his calculator again, he would take it apart and put it back together again, it always worked. Jordan sighed, he was about to say something when the guard shift bell rang, his shift had begun. "Shit, I'll be back, love you both." Jordan said as he started towards the makeshift walls. "I love you too Jordan, stay safe." Said Lauren

 

After a few weeks on the wall anybody can learn to shoot a gun, Jordan was no exception. He had racked up 5 kills so far. Lauren, she's a bitch to me during real life, but as soon as one of her retarded fantasys comes true she's fucking lovey-dovey, why not now, life is almost normal again, why doesn't she bitch out again? *sigh* she's right about a few things though. I do need to work on my greed, and my issues with the chinese. Hell those fuckers nearly killed me, scratch that last thing. What about- "GAHHHH!!!" Jordan's day-dreaming was interrupted by a man being eaten alive near the scavenging tent. Time for six and seven. Jordan shot the dying man out of mercy, then he shot the zombie eating him. "BANG...BANG" Now where was i...

 

Jordan's watch ended at 9:00 that night, he was dead tired, and Joanna arguing with Gordie about the supplies wasn't any help. Jordan climbed off the ladder as the kid from canada took his place. "Eyy uh... Aboot your uh... Watch, you uhh..... are the.. bosses favourite... by the way." Jordan hated holding a conversation with this kid. "Thanks...." Jordan gestured, asking the kids name without using words. "Oh, my name? Harry." "Ah! Harry, thanks for the compliment boy, you be watchful now, those walkers are relentless tonight." Harry smiled. "Oh i will, I will be very watchful." Jordan was taken aback. No uhhs or ehs, that's odd. Jordan decided to watch the kid, something wasn't right.

 

After a few minutes of watching on a rooftop, Harry got off his post. I knew it! Time to report- "Woah! H-hey Harry, don't be spooking me like that. Okay?" Harry grinned "Oh don't worry Mister Wettin, you will never be startled again." Harry was reaching behind his back, Jordan immediately assumed the worst and drew his gun. "GET YOUR HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM!" Harry giggled "I love this part." With insane speed Harry charged Jordan and knocked him to the ground, when Jordan tried to reach for his gun Harry grabbed his arm and snapped it like a twig. "GAH! You bastard!" Harry laughed as he straddled Jordan's chest. Jordan struggled but Harry put a finger to his forehead and slammed his head into the concrete. "Ten years SAS training, You're outmatched ya bloody sod." Harry mimicked a British accent. "Britain, hah, what a hellhole." Harry rolled up his sleeves, One of them having a recently received stab wound, probably from his last victim. "Goodbye Jordan." Harry raised the knife, but Jodan held it away with his good arm. "What did i say!?" Harry screamed, standing up and stepping on Jordan's face. "You'll never get away with this!" Harry looked anything but amused. "I have five times now! DO YOU THINK SOME HERO IS JUST GONNA-"  BANG! Startled and wounded Harry turned around, and promptly had his throat slit. Dazed and confused Jordan reopened his eyes after the blood forced him to close them. "I had a suspicion." Said a familiar monotone, featuring no emotion. "Jordan. Get up." said Gordie.

 

Jordan woke hearing unfamiliar voices, except for Gordie. "He survived Harry, he could be worth..." "He survived harry because I rescued his dumb ass!" "Still, he did take your first punch without being knocked out." "....I missed you fucking moron." Jordan opened his eyes, but they were covered by a shopping bag that was serving as a hood. As he regained feeling in his arms he realized he was tied to a pole. He was too injured to move. "He's a fucking hot dog vendor. He hasn't had a day of training in his pitiful life." "Neither did you Gordie. "That was different. I was a hard laborer, he drove a fucking hot-dog van!" Jordan spoke. " I hired someone to drive it." "Oh goodie he's awake-" "DID I ASK YOU?" A hard hand struck Jordan in the chest. He slid down the pole and sat, feeling as pitiful as he probably looked. "So he hasn't even driven it! Why did i bring him here again?" "He has potential Gordie. More than even you did." "Fuck you." "Why thank you, but I am celibate." "SUCK A DICK!" Stomping feet moved further away and Jordan heard a door slam. "Well that went worse than expected. You can stand up." the man said as he pulled off the bag, Jordan reopened his eyes, and saw an old bald man in a robe. "My name is Versus, my disciples know me as master. I assume you've met Gordie." "i have, but never that mad." Versus smiled "Yes, im told that Gordie tries to seem emotionless like i taught him, but as soon as he enters my presence he stops." Jordan didn't answer. Noticing the man was clean shaven, like REALLY clean shaven, Jordan took the opportunity to ask for a razor, the one tool he didn't have. "Ha... You are pretty funny Jordan." It was a serious question, but Jordan stood down. "Now, about your arm.." "What about- GAH! Fuck me!" "You forgot that Harry Smith broke it, it is a serious fracture, you will need time to recover, i did take the liberty of putting on a cast after you fainted after asking about the razor." Jordan was speechless, "I... fainted?" Versus smiled, "Well one would after receiving a concussion, Gordie can be rough at times." Jordan didn't know what to say, then he fainted again.

 

Jordan woke up in a dark room with stone walls, he still was dizzy, and his broken arm was aching. An intercom sounded "Hello        -BZZRK- Jordan, this is Versus yet again. You may not know where you are, but let me tell you something, this will be easy. Stand up and walk into the hallway ahead of you." Jordan stood up and looked around, he felt tense and uncomfortable. "Where am I? Where's Gus? Wheres the barn? Where are you?" "Oh too many questions disciple, now walk down the hallway as instructed." Jordan reluctantly began walking. The hallway seemed to go on and on, with no end in sight. Jordan was defenseless, concussed and with a bone fracture, he would be an easy kill. Eventually Jordan came upon a large room, suddenly electric lights came on one at a time, revealing chained up walkers under every light. "You made it Jordan! Gordie got really close to getting you there, good thing you got to the room when you did." "Gordie was trying to kill me?!" He got a direct answer "Yes, now enough idle chit chat, find the walker with the post-it note" "Wha-" "Abubbubbu... find the walker" Jordan, dazed more than ever, began walking through the room. Eventually he found a walker with a yellow Post-it note, then he saw it's face "Reynald?" "You recognize your partner!" " But, he..." "He passed to the fury of Buddha's blade. Oh I forgot to tell you, Gordie isn't his real name, his name, that he received after joining the clan, is Tadakatsu. Now then, beat his head in." Jordan took two steps back. "This is insanity!" "This is what you were born for Jordan!" Jordan decided that he had little choice in the matter, and he stuck his fingers in Reynald's eyes and pulled his head off his shoulders. "Such brutality! And with so little emotion! There would normally be other steps but.... you may be ready now! Open the wall!" The wall in front of Jordan opened. And he saw Versus standing, with Gordie and Larry of all people, along with others whom he didn't recognize. "Now then Jordan, you shall say the vow, this sheet has it on it, i shall read it now. 'I shall disown my family, i shall be powerful, i shall be merciless, and i shall be the king of my environment.' now then, say the oath and i shall begin your training." Versus held out the sheet. Jordan, on shaky knees, stepped back twice. "No! I will never disown my family for some bullshit training! Gus needs me now more than ever! And I will NEVER bow down to a powdered prissy fuck like you!" Versus sighed. "Tadakatsu, kill the foolish man." Gordie drew a pistol, and shot two of the other disciples while still looking at Versus. "Shows over Bruce." Larry cut the last disciple in half. Versus (or Bruce now?) looked at Gordie unblinking. " If you kill me now Tadakatsu, it will be the biggest mistake you will ever make." "Stop calling me Tadakatsu" BANG   Versus' lifeless corpse fell hitting the stone floor and spreading blood everywhere. "I'm guessing you see me as a friend now Jordan." Jordan shocked beyond belief, came back to his senses, and then stated. "Yeah, i guess i do"


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#5
bluetommy2

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Good so far, lets see what happens next.

thanks bro! I try my hardest!


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#6
Gingerbeard

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It has potential but its not quite there yet. For one, the lack of paragraph use makes things really confusing. Having multiple people talking in one paragraph and descriptions of what later happens, just gets jumbled up. Use any book for an example and try to format later chapters that way.

 

The characters really aren't flushed out enough, I feel like I barely know them. I understand that this is only the second chapter, but I would expect to at least know the age, profession, hell even hair color of at least one character IN THE STORY besides Jordan, hot dog car driver, I did actually like that. You can be subtle about it or not, but it needs to be there. This little detail sheet of the main characters in the first post, doesn't sit well and strikes me as lazy.

 

The profanity, I'm not one of those people to give you a hard time about putting cuss words in your story. I do it ALL the time, and swear regularly. However, in the case of a story there is a time and place for it. Several times in your story I found myself thinking the language was just unnecessary for the situation. "SUCK A DICK!" No. Just no. And why was Laura such an ungodly horrible person in the second paragraph, does she hate Gus? Is she piss drunk? What?

 

The ending of the first chapter left me really scratching my head, first of all how the hell is Laura going along like she's strolling through the park when HER HAND WAS JUST CUT OFF! And she cauterized it, HERSELF! This chick is not Merle Dixon, I don't care what plan you had for her. I understand stretching reality a bit for story purposes, but I really can't see this one realistically taking place.

 

The Saints were just confusing, Larry just allows these random ragged people he's never seen before into his home when they could be psychopaths. Sure, its a family so you could use that but what about food rations? How much do they have to just let people in willy nilly? No way enough. And then the talk with the leader Gordie is pretty much the same way, an instant invite because Larry let them in TO TALK TO GORDIE! You see how that doesn't make sense? Sure, you explain it somewhat in the second chapter but not really. This Versus guy was actually one of your better ideas, I've stumbled with the idea of a cult in a ZA deal, but never could think of how to execute it. Instead of flushing this out though, you killed him off in favor of Gordie to show he's really a good guy. That's all and fine, but what was the point of the character if you are going to kill him off in the same chapter? You could have done the same exact deal with Harry, and scrap all of the Versus material. Why would he bring him to Versus, just to kill Versus after he saved Jordan from Harry?

 

Lastly, Harry... The idea is good, if not a little overdone now a days. Betrayal is always an interesting storyline to follow, but this all happened in TWO paragraphs. If we had met Harry last chapter, and this happened in Chapter 4 or something, it would have made some impact. But this way... It just seems forced.

 

Understand I'm not trying to cruel or mean or anything like that. I'm giving you my honest criticisms after reading your first two chapters. And I do plan on reading Chapter 3 when your done with it to look for those improvements. :)


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#7
bluetommy2

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It has potential but its not quite there yet. For one, the lack of paragraph use makes things really confusing. Having multiple people talking in one paragraph and descriptions of what later happens, just gets jumbled up. Use any book for an example and try to format later chapters that way.

 

The characters really aren't flushed out enough, I feel like I barely know them. I understand that this is only the second chapter, but I would expect to at least know the age, profession, hell even hair color of at least one character IN THE STORY besides Jordan, hot dog car driver, I did actually like that. You can be subtle about it or not, but it needs to be there. This little detail sheet of the main characters in the first post, doesn't sit well and strikes me as lazy.

 

The profanity, I'm not one of those people to give you a hard time about putting cuss words in your story. I do it ALL the time, and swear regularly. However, in the case of a story there is a time and place for it. Several times in your story I found myself thinking the language was just unnecessary for the situation. "SUCK A DICK!" No. Just no. And why was Laura such an ungodly horrible person in the second paragraph, does she hate Gus? Is she piss drunk? What?

 

The ending of the first chapter left me really scratching my head, first of all how the hell is Laura going along like she's strolling through the park when HER HAND WAS JUST CUT OFF! And she cauterized it, HERSELF! This chick is not Merle Dixon, I don't care what plan you had for her. I understand stretching reality a bit for story purposes, but I really can't see this one realistically taking place.

 

The Saints were just confusing, Larry just allows these random ragged people he's never seen before into his home when they could be psychopaths. Sure, its a family so you could use that but what about food rations? How much do they have to just let people in willy nilly? No way enough. And then the talk with the leader Gordie is pretty much the same way, an instant invite because Larry let them in TO TALK TO GORDIE! You see how that doesn't make sense? Sure, you explain it somewhat in the second chapter but not really. This Versus guy was actually one of your better ideas, I've stumbled with the idea of a cult in a ZA deal, but never could think of how to execute it. Instead of flushing this out though, you killed him off in favor of Gordie to show he's really a good guy. That's all and fine, but what was the point of the character if you are going to kill him off in the same chapter? You could have done the same exact deal with Harry, and scrap all of the Versus material. Why would he bring him to Versus, just to kill Versus after he saved Jordan from Harry?

 

Lastly, Harry... The idea is good, if not a little overdone now a days. Betrayal is always an interesting storyline to follow, but this all happened in TWO paragraphs. If we had met Harry last chapter, and this happened in Chapter 4 or something, it would have made some impact. But this way... It just seems forced.

 

Understand I'm not trying to cruel or mean or anything like that. I'm giving you my honest criticisms after reading your first two chapters. And I do plan on reading Chapter 3 when your done with it to look for those improvements. :)

Thanks for saying that, I always feel my writing is rushed and i try to fix it, but i'm never able to. The Versus thing was one of my favourite ideas of mine, i will flesh it out more don't you worry. I will try to slow my writing and i thank you for helping


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